The Odd Couple
by Joker Extreme
Summary: A warlock who tried to take over the world turned harmless cat.  A man who declared war with Heaven made into a plush dog.  Both imprisoned and awaiting their sentence.  Can these two criminals share a prison cell together without driving each other crazy


Five hooded figures overlook a glowing white town, with the sun setting in the background.

-?: "Hilda?"

-Hilda: "I gotcha." Hilda shoots several sparks out of her hands, striking random parts of the town.

-?: "Perfect. Stay here."

-Hilda: "Where else would I go?" The four other warlocks run down to the town, with all of the citizens being driven towards them by the explosions.

-?: "Stonehenge, take the citizens hostage!"

-Stonehenge: "Understood!" The warlock restrains all of the citizens.

-Guard 1: "Attack!" Several warriors charge the four warlocks.

-Duke: "I don't think so!" Duke emits a wave from his hands, turning all of the warriors into puppies.

-Duke: "Ha, ha, ha!" Two more warlocks approach a large temple. A team of warlocks dressed in white approaches the two.

-?: "Newt."

-Newt: "Make these pathetic warlocks squirm. Allow me to feast upon these pitiful worms." Newt points at all of the warlocks and turns them into worms. Newt picks them all up and eats them.

-?: "Newt, when we're done here, quit your day job."

-Newt: "Why? *munch*"

-?: "Just stay here and keep watch."

-Newt: "Got it!" The final warlock easily blasts his way through warlocks and magically enhanced soldiers. He then approaches a giant door with a magic seal over it.

-?: "Hm."

-Durandal: "Stop right there." An extravagantly robed warlock appears in front of the other warlock.

-?: "And what do _you _want?"

-Durandal: "Your head." A circle appears behind Durandal, and a dragon appears from it.

-Dragon: "*ROAR*"

-Durandal: "You're not going anywhere!"

-?: "…"

-?: "Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!" The hooded warlock blasts his way through the wall, and walks over the unconscious warlock and dragon.

-?: "Except in here." He enters a dark room, with only a glowing pink sword set in stone in the center of the room.

-?: "Finally…" The warlock approaches the sword and marvels at it with his eyes and hands.

-?: "It's here…in front of me! The power to rule the world…! And I have everything I need…the heart of someone pure…." He reaches inside his cloak and takes out a jar with a still-beating heart inside. He sets it on the ground.

-?: "…a soul of justice and good…" He takes out a pouch and looks inside, revealing a small ball of light.

-Soul: "Oh, thank goodness! Let me out of—"

-?: "Sorry, can't hear you." He closes the pouch and drops it on the ground.

-Soul: "Ow!"

-?: "…and last, but not least, an honest reason to wield the Sword of the World…!" The warlock reaches for the sword, as the materials on the ground disappear.

-?: "*shrug* I wanna rule the world! Honest enough for ya!" The warlock pulls on the sword violently, now wielding it in his hand.

-?: "Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! Ah, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! BWAH, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA! THE POWER TO RULE WORLD! AND IT'S MINE! ALL MINE! I AM THE RULER OF— bwuh?" The warlock looks to see that the sword has broken, snapped off from when he pulled it out of the stone.

-? 2: "Take him." Two guards emit chains from their hands and tie down the warlock.

-? 2: "You won't be escaping from these, not in this room."

-?: "Gah! Thomas!"

-Thomas: "Salem Saberhagen…I've been waiting a long time for this."

-Salem: "Ha, ha! A dark magic seal? I can beat this with my hands tied behind my back!" The guards then twist his arms behind his back with the chains.

-Salem: "Gah! I was exaggerating!"

-Thomas: "Did you really think that we'd keep the Sword of the World here in Excalibur?"

-Salem: "But…this is where it's always been!"

-Thomas: "Not after you declared that you and your gang were going to take it and rule the world. Luckily, we moved it just in time."

-Salem: "What! What did you do with my guys!"

-Thomas: "Yes, the men that you sent to terrorize the citizens and dispatch the guards have been dealt with!"

-Salem: "Dealt with! What do you mean!"

-Thomas: "Oh, you'll find out soon enough!"

Salem now stands confined in front of the judges of the Witches Council, still hooded, awaiting his punishment.

-Salem: "Uh…could I get some milk or something?"

-Judge 1: "Milk? Ha, ha, ha!"

-Salem: "Uh…"

-Judge 2: "Salem Saberhagen, you are being charged with the assault on a royal Other Realm ground and above all, leading an attempt to take over the human world! How do you plead?"

-Salem: "Well, if I could get a lawyer…"

-Judge 3: "No lawyer is willing to represent you at this time, or any other for that matter."

-Salem: "Is insanity out of the question…?"

-Judge 1: "You know we can disprove that."

-Salem: "Huh. What if I said I was really, really, _really _sorry?"

-Judge 1: "Has the jury reached a ver—"

-Jury: "Guilty."

-Salem: "*sigh* What am I looking at? A couple million years in purgatory? (muttering) Nothing I can't get out of…"

-Judge 2: "We can hear you."

-Salem: "No, you can't."

-Judge 1: "100 years."

-Salem: "100 years! That's it! Alright, let's do this!"

-Judge 2: "As you wish. Your sentence is already being carried out."

-Salem: "Is that so? Hey, would somebody mind scratching behind my ears? These fleas are murder on…my…what the!" Salem looks down to see that his cloak and restraints have fallen off, only because they weren't small enough for a cat.

-Salem: "What is this!"

-Judge 1: "Salem Saberhagen, for your attempt to take over the world, you shall spend 100 human years as an American Shorthair black cat with absolutely no magical abilities whatsoever!"

-Salem: "WHAT! No, no, no! Anything but this! Please! I can't spend a hundred human years doing anything, much less as a cat without magical powers!"

-Judge 1: "You should've thought about that before you tried to take over the human world!"

-Salem: "Please! Not this!"

-Judge 1: "You shall remain in our custody until we can make proper arrangements for your sentence."

-Salem: "But—"

-Judge 1: "Court is adjourned!" The judge slams his gavel and a hole appears under Salem. He falls through.

-Salem: "REOOOOOOOOOOW! AH, DAMMIT!"

-Salem: "…..

! Oof!" Salem lands on his feet and looks around his cell like a crazed cat.

-Salem: "*pant pant pant* No, no, no, no, no…this…this isn't happening…this can't be happening…!"

-?: "Whatever you think isn't happening, it probably is."

-Salem: "Ah!" Salem looks behind him to see two red glowing, menacing eyes.

-Salem: "Who are you!"

-?: "Your cellmate. Pleasure."

-Salem: "Please don't! I-I-I didn't even drop the soap!"

-?: "What are you talking about?"

-Salem: "Oh, nothing."

-?: "So…they stuck me with a cat?"

-Salem: "I am not a cat! I'm a warlock who just tried to take over the human world and I got caught and I was punished for it! So they sentenced me to spend 100 years as a cat with no magical powers!"

-?: "So you _are _a cat?"

-Salem: "I am not a cat! I'm a warlock who—"

-?: "I know how you feel. I didn't want to believe that I got caught either. But here I am."

-Salem: "…" Salem sat down on the ground, quietly sobbing once he realized that he was sitting on hind legs and resting on his front.

-Salem: "…so what are _you _in for?"

-?: "Me? Are you sure you wanna know?"

-Salem: "Uh-huh."

-?: "I wanted to start a war with Heaven. It didn't turn out so great…"

-Salem: "Oh, I see. That's tough. Hardcore stu—" Salem dashes to the door and starts scratching and wailing at it.

-Salem: "HELP! LET ME OUT! I'M AN INNOCENT CAT TRAPPED IN A CELL WITH A CRAZY ATHEIST!"

-?: "Do you think I would be here if I could do anything to you!"

-Salem: "HE-HE-HELP!"

-?: "SHUT UP!"

-Salem: "THE YELLING'S NOT HELPING!"

-?: "THEN STOP YELLING AND SIT DOWN!" Salem slowly stops scratching at the door and sits back down.

-Salem: "Why would you start a war with Heaven?"

-?: "I have my reasons."

-Salem: "Hm."

-?: "…"

-Salem: "By the way, I'm only here until they decide my…sentence arrangements, whatever _that _means."

-?: "So am I."

-Salem: "Wanna be friends?"

-?: "No."

-Salem: "An atheist _and _a sociopath. I hit the jackpot."

-?: "Well, _I'm _stuck with a talky, sarcastic, idiotic _American shorthair_."

-Salem: "Grr…"

-?: "Don't tempt me." Salem stops growling.

-Salem: "…"

-?: "…"

-Salem: "*sigh*"

-?: "Ahem."

-Salem: "The name's Salem Saberhagen. What's yours?" The right eye of Salem's cellmate flashes, and he slowly steps out of the shadows.

-Salem: "*gasp*" A small blue plush dog steps out.

-?: "My name is Iorogi. I used to be a—"

-Salem: "BAH, HA, HA, HA, HA, HA! YOU'RE A DOLL! YOU'RE A FREAKING DOLL!"

-Iorogi: "Shut your mouth, cat!"

-Salem: "HA, HA, HA, HA! _YOU _TRIED TO START A WAR WITH HEAVEN!"

-Iorogi: "I wasn't always like—"

-Salem: "At least I'll have a decent pillow every ni—" Iorogi charges up a fireball with his mouth and shoots it at Salem.

-Salem: "REOOOOOOOOW!"

-Iorogi: "*spit*" The smoke clears, revealing a charred Salem.

-Salem: "Ow…"

-Iorogi: "As I was saying, I wasn't always like this!"

-Salem: "Really?"

-Iorogi: "That's right! I used to be a great and terrible monster, capable of destroying entire cities at my whim! I could fly over the tallest structures and survive the most horrid of trials! Small children and large men alike cowered at the sound of my name and the piercing shockwaves of my roars! I WAS THE GREATEST— what the!" Salem presses constantly on the plush body of Iorogi.

-Salem: "If I scratched you, could I use the stuffing as a bed?"

-Iorogi: "As if I'd let you!"

-Salem: "Ah, who am I kidding? I'll just use your body as a bed and your head as a pillow!"

-Iorogi: "IN YOUR DREAMS!" Iorogi shoots another fireball at Salem, which Salem dodges.

-Salem: "Hey, hey, hey! Enough with the fireballs! I'm already a cat. I'd prefer to stay off the Chinese menu if you don't mind not cooking me!"

-Iorogi: "Like I said, don't tempt me."

-Salem: "Yeah, yeah."

-Iorogi(muttering): "Freaking idiot…"

-Salem: "Hey, I heard that!"

-Iorogi: "Not surprised. Cats have good ears."

-Salem: "Yes, yes, I'm a cat! We don't need to dwell on that. (muttering) Stupid beanie-baby…"

-Iorogi: "Huh?"

-Salem: "Nuh-thin'."

-Iorogi: "Hmph."

-Salem: "Say, are you sure you don't wanna be friends?"

-Iorogi: "Yes, so stop asking."

-Salem: "I'm just saying, we could be stuck in here for a while. There's no point in spending that much time here chewing each other out."

-Iorogi: "I don't care."

-Salem: "*whimper*"

-Iorogi: "Huh?"

-Salem: "*sniffle*"

-Iorogi: "What're you…?"

-Salem: "Uh-huh-huh-huh…" Salem jumps on Iorogi.

-Salem: "But I'm _so alooone!_"

-Iorogi: "Why should _I _care! Get off!"

-Salem: "Wah…! I miss my friends…! I miss my maid! I miss my wife and my little girl! I've only been in here for five minutes and it's already horrible-hle-hle!"

-Iorogi: "Hey, quit crying…!"

-Salem: "Look at me! I'm a cat, and they stuck me in jail with horrible criminals! You'd think I'd fit in, but I—*sob*—I don't! I'm gonna get eaten alive!"

-Iorogi: "Listen, I—"

-Salem: "Wah-ha-ha! Please be my friend…!"

-Iorogi: "SHUT THE HELL UP!"

-Salem: "*sob* *sniffle*"

-Iorogi: "*sigh* If you stop your blubbering…then I guess it wouldn't be so bad…if we both had someone to talk to…"

-Salem: "Goodie! Ooh, hey, I get top bunk!"

-Iorogi: "What! That bunk's mine!"

-Salem: "Sure, when you didn't have a roomie!" Salem leaps up to the top bunk.

-Iorogi: "Get down from there!"

-Salem: "Or what? You're gonna barf your little fireball on me? I think not! It's either that or get smited for killing your new roommate!"

-Iorogi: "Smitten."

-Salem: "No, I don't think so."

-Iorogi: "That's what it is in the past tense."

-Salem: "Doesn't smitten mean being in love?"

-Iorogi: "It's the same!"

-Salem: "Why would it be both a past thing and a pres—"

-Iorogi: "Gah…! Fine! You get the top bunk every other night!"

-Salem: "We'll see."

-Iorogi: "Grr…" Iorogi reluctantly lies himself on the bottom bunk.

-Salem: "I think this is gonna be the beginning of a bee-yootiful frien—" Iorogi gently blows fire towards the top bunk, heating up the metal and the mattress in the process.

-Salem: "REOOOW!"

-Iorogi: "Pleasant dreams, _buddy._"


End file.
